What a Joke Sounds Like in Russian: Liberals Gone Wild

I have a confession. From time-to-time, I begin to wonder if I’m slightly over the top with some of my criticisms of Democrats. No, really. It’s true. I think that if one is trying to be honest and shun self-righteousness, it is necessary to maintain a kind of habitual self-examination, even self-doubt at times. I mean, surely it is a bit overstated to call them socialists all the time.

It was in just such a reflective mood that I awoke this morning. Maybe it was John McCain’s genuflection at the altar of socialism last night with his whole home mortgage buy-out thing – I don’t know. I was in the same mood when I sat down to check the news and see if this morning’s fed rate cut had been able to temporarily placate the spoiled child on Wall Street. Unexpectedly, the Conservative fire in me was stoked to new fury with an article I happened upon by Timothy Noah, senior writer at Slate magazine.

After hating myself a little for even looking at Slate (it’s like pornography for liberals), I began to read. Noah feels that the election is in the bag for The Socialist Party. In a rapture of self-congratulation and playground taunting, he begins to fantasize about how great it would be if he and the rest of his socialist pals could be open with their true feelings about our country. The article is only slightly tongue-in-cheek. I submit, for your consideration, the list. Consider it Exhibit A in my continuing quest to get people to realize just how sick, twisted, dangerous, and unpatriotic this ideology truly is.

This is a rare glimpse into the secret dungeon of liberal thought. I give you fair warning. Those of you with even the slightest conservative leanings may be deeply offended. Reader discretion is advised.

1. I think Karl Marx had some valuable insights into capitalist economies!
2. I think abortion should be safe and legal. Rare is fine, too, but the way to achieve that is contraception, baby!
3. I think Mormons are kooks!
4. The Second Amendment does too allow government to ban handguns!
5. Let's standardize the federal age of consent at 16!
6. Promiscuity between consenting adults is good exercise!
7. Health care is a service, not a business!
8. Pot is no more dangerous than vodka. Legalize it!
9. I don't support the troops. I support some troops, depending on whether or not they've committed war crimes!
10. No more wars without United Nations or at least NATO support!
11. Saving the boulder darter was worth a few thousand jobs!
12. If Eastern Europeans think NATO will go to war to defend them against Russia, they're out of their minds!
13. Ditto if Taiwan thinks the United States will go to war to defend it against China!
14. Let's teach evolution in Sunday school!
15. The military-industrial complex is a greater menace than most foreign nations!
16. If Israel isn't out of the occupied territories in six months, we'll cut off all aid.
17. Higher gas prices are good because they make everybody bike and take public transit like they should!
18. America isn't the greatest nation in the world. We think it is only because it's our country. Duh!
19. America won't be the world's most powerful nation forever. And you know what? Handing that responsibility off will be a relief!
20. America's official languages should be English and Spanish!
21. Judges should legislate from the bench if they want to. Conservatives do it, so why not liberals?
22. I do not accept Jesus Christ as my personal savior! I don't even believe in God!
23. What's so great about the Judeo-Christian tradition?
24. Big-city values are better than small-town values!
25. I'm glad the Muslims whupped the Christians during the Crusades! Served 'em right!
26. We need a shorter work week!
27. Employees who work more than 40 hours a week should always get overtime.
28. We're going to need affirmative action for a long time.
29. We're undertaxed. Look at Europe!
30. Terrorism isn't that big a threat to America!
31. I'm not a "progressive," for Pete's sake. I'm a liberal!
32. I'm not a "liberal," for Pete's sake. I'm a leftist!
33. I'm not a "leftist," for Pete's sake. I'm a democratic socialist!
34. I'm not a democratic socialist, for Pete's sake. I'm a Communist! Just kidding!
35. Let's bring back the era of big government.
36. Walter Mondale would have made an excellent president!
37. It's not enough that the top 5 percent pays 55 percent of our taxes. Why not 75 percent? Believe me, they can afford it!
38. Prostitution is a victimless crime! Don't outlaw it; regulate it, so we can arrest physically abusive pimps, limit the spread of sexually transmitted diseases, and halt sexual trafficking in minors!
39. Many welfare moms kicked off the rolls by the 1986 welfare-reform bill are worse off in their crappy jobs!
40. Ronald Reagan was a crummy president!
41. Broad availability of gay marriage: good. Broad availability of gay divorce: better!
42. You want to know why George W. Bush was a lousy president? Because he's stupid!
43. Pornography is good for your marriage because it teaches you new sexual techniques!
44. The problem with public schools is private schools!

So thank you, Tim Noah et al. Thank you for reminding me exactly why it is that your America-hating, atheistic, Godless, sadistic, and yes, by your own admission, Communist ideology must be destroyed.