Thursday, June 11, 2009

Thank Goodness for Bad Habits

The U.S. Senate has cleared the way for the FDA to regulate the hell out of cigarettes. The logic? Cigarettes make people sick, sick people go to doctors, and since nobody wants to pay for their own doctor bills, we all get to pay for their health care. Yeah. I get it. Makes perfect sense.

That's certainly one way to go about it. It's like motorcycle helmets. Riders hate them. But when they splatter their heads on the pavement, they have to go to the hospital, where (once again) we all have to pick up the tab. So the government makes them wear helmets. You know. For the public good.

But according to that logic, if motorcycle-related accidents are expensive, and if mandating the wearing of helmets is good, then why not just outlaw motorcycles altogether? I mean, since we're all about the greater good, then one person's individual liberty and exercise of their right to splatter their head on the ground shouldn't trump our right to not have to pay their bills. Or am I missing something?

Therefore, I am proposing the super-duper ultimate mega-solution to smoking-related deaths. Let's outlaw cigarettes completely. Let's make the sale, purchase, possession, distribution, or use of cigarettes punishable by...oh, let's see...oh yeah. Beheading. Yeah. We should behead all the smokers.

What's that? What do you mean they already tried that with booze? Prohibition? Well, there's no need to get all historical on me. Besides, it was a dumb idea anyway. We could never pay for SCHIP without smokers. So light up, brothers and sisters! It's your patriotic duty!

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