Monday, August 24, 2009


As someone who has personally diagnosed and treated literally hundreds of cases of gonorrhea and chlamydia, I find this strangely hilarious.

I felt a strange wistful feeling of melancholy earlier this month when I learned that a new urine test was capable of diagnosing these diseases. The old way that I'd always used - a good old sterile cotton swab - seemed okay to me.

Of course, the "old" method was still better than the Inquisition-worthy method described to us as raw Marine recruits in the early 90s. I won't go into any gory detail, but I'm sure you can imagine what sort of twisted sadistic lies can be cooked up by drill instructors intent on helping young Marines to...err..."...keep [their] honor clean...".

I felt many things when hearing these men explain the non-existent procedure used by the Navy doctors to diagnose "the clap". Not once did I feel "manly".


Yeah. This is a much better idea than that old stupid conservative idea about abstinence. I mean, if they can't speak, they can't complain.

Not that I oppose male circumcision, of course. Just government-mandated ones.

Take No Prisoners.

This is what we do with Al Qaeda terrorists captured on the battlefield. I wonder what the Marines, Soldiers, Sailors, and Airmen currently on the battlefield in Afghanistan putting their lives on the line think about this.

But I'd rather light a candle than curse the obvious darkness. Hey, the glass is half-full, right?

To my brother Marines; to all the soldiers, sailors and airmen fighting these clowns: this is simply a rare second chance to do things the "right" way this time.

After his brief homecoming in Kabul, this dude will be back on the lines. I wouldn't dare presume to tell you what you should do, but I will say that I, for one, won't be shedding any tears if this terrorist's next encounter with you ends a bit differently.


President Obama is "offended". That's a shame. I guess I'll admit that I've been a little offended lately too. Just one difference, I suppose. He is offended at our recognition of the truth in his agenda. The things I've been offended about have been outright lies, or as our newly-Christianized President likes to call it "false witness".

Since we're all buddy-buddy now, all open with each other about our feelings, Mr. President, I think it will be okay if I tell you now that I was offended when:

1. You accused family doctors like me of routinely performing unnecessary tonsillectomies on defenseless children because it pays better than doing the right thing.

2. You accused family doctors like me of amputating the feet of diabetics because it pays better than doing the right thing.

3. Your party called me a "Nazi".

4. Your party called me a "brownshirt".

5. Your party called me an "insurance industry plant".

6. Your party called me a memeber of an "unruly mob".

7. You set up a website for "fishy...misinformation" (translation: the truth) about your plans for health care for no other reason than to intimidate me into silence.

8. You claimed I could keep my insurance even though you know that is a lie.

9. You claimed my patients could keep using me as their doctor, even though you know that is a lie.

10. You resumed the hideous practice of encouraging disabled and sick military veterans to contact the Hemlock Society for advice on what to do rather than get appropriate treatment.

11. You framed your support for socialism as some sort of Christian "moral imperative" to a staged audience of religious leaders of the most liberal possible stripe.

12. You apologized to our enemies and our allies for how lousy you think our country is. Again, and again, and again, and again.

13. Your Homeland Security Department described people who disagree with expanding government as "Right Wing Extremists" (a.k.a. "terrorists").

14. You told Planned Parenthood that you supported taxpayer-funded abortions, then lied to our face and said that you don't.

Shall I go on? No...I don't think so. I'm glad we had this little chat together. I feel better. Hope you do too. And I am really sorry that you are offended at the truth. That must be really difficult for you. I wish I could say that I won't do it again, but you see, those of us in the real world have to deal in truth. We don't have the luxury of lying and bending the truth for political expediency. Real men tell the truth, even when it hurts.

I pray every day for your wisdom and good judgment as our President. Furthermore, because I am commanded to, I forgive you for your repeated offenses against me and the people like me.

Please start telling the truth. It might be liberating.