Monday, November 3, 2008

*BREAKING NEWS*


"I am absolutely certain that generations from now, we will be able to look back and tell our children that this was the moment when we began to provide care for the sick and good jobs to the jobless; this was the moment when the rise of the oceans began to slow and our planet began to heal."

- Barack Hussein Obama

Berlin, 2008


In a shocking development, reported by scientists in Australia, then confirmed by their colleagues across the globe, beleaguered Earth herself seems to be readying itself for the ascendancy of Senator Barack Hussein Obama to the position of President of the United States of America.


Since 0500 GMT yesterday, the oceans have dropped an average of 14.5 inches worldwide. An advisor close to the Obama campaign, who spoke on condition of anonymity, confirmed that this was indeed the moment that the final poll results were in, and the Senator's win appeared finally to be inevitable.


"We kept trying to tell people", he said. "Maybe they will finally hear Mother Gaia's voice crying out now".


An Unprecedented Change:

Dr. Sydney Perthman, a climatologist and geologist working with the Australia Survey Project, spoke about the shocking findings. He and a team of researchers have been in the Australian outback since 2004, monitoring satellite images of Australia's coastline and comparing them with on-the-ground data and GPS locations.
"It was bizarre...shipwrecks have been popping up for the last couple of days at low tide. I don't know how to explain it." Dr. Perthman was reluctant to confirm whether he thought that Senator Obama's rise to power and prior promises about its effects on climate had anything to do with what he's been seeing. "It's a bit early for that sort of speculation", he said.


Change that brings Hope:

The ocean levels aren't the only thing changing. After recognizing the clear parallels between the dropping oceanic levels and improvements in Obama's chances, a series of other Obama prophecies have been examined. It appears that sick people, who have been without any care since mid-January of 2000, are now being seen by doctors again. Doctor groups are overjoyed. Adam Freidman, MD, assistant to the President of the American Medical Association, said "We've been sitting around for 8 years - just hoping and praying for something to do. Doctors had almost lost all touch with reality. Our art was dying. Then yesterday, like a flick of a switch, sick people. Lots and lots of sick people. All getting care. I don't know where they've been. I guess just riding out the last eight years in sick misery. Thank God it's better. This is truly a hopeful change!".


It doesn't stop there. In a stunning reversal to the lay-offs and corporate greed that have been the hallmark of recent months, the largest 10 companies in the U.S. announced that they would be offering 6- to 7-figure salaried V.P. positions to hundreds of currently jobless people. The time of the announcement sent shivers up the spine of the new VP for management at Pfizer corporation, Mark Groves, sitting on his old park bench covered with a newspaper - "This is just unf******believable, man. Truly, bro".


Stories are also coming out of the Brazilian rainforest as missionaries and environmentalists reach communication. They report that the rain forests, previously thought lost to irresponsible agricultural expansion, have experienced what has been described by some as a "Jack and the Beanstalk" kind of overnight growth. "The earth is actually starting to heal itself", said one ecologist with National Geographic Society's permanent facility in the region, "thank God America made the right choice."


Hope that brings change:

An unorthodox theory has been proposed by Dr. Charles Swootz, a professor of applied psychology at MIT. "It is at least possible that Obama has actually been correct in saying what had previously been thought a simple rhetorical flourish. We have been researching the possibility that positive thoughts effect the environment. Perhaps with this election process, the American people have actually begun to change their environment - through hope".


A muslim cleric, Louis Farakhan, disagrees. "The Earth simply is receiving its Mahdi - it's messiah. This was all foretold. The oceans and trees are celebrating with all humanity, the arrival of The One. Oh, and just wait until Inauguration Day - the crippled will walk, the blind will see...Oh. And whitey will be destroyed."


Regardless of the cause, this turnaround is truly phenomenal. We await more information.

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